My Stupid Husband

Dear Husband,

            You, my dear, are the worst husband anyone could ever have, because REASONS.

            Don’t worry, sweetie, I will list the reasons for you, just so you really understand where I’m coming from.

            Let me start by saying this: I know you do good things for me. You push me to stay in touch with people I might otherwise lose. You help me make friends and create memories. Not only that, but you know a good deal when you see one and help me make business connections. You’re incredibly supportive when it comes to sharing my life with others.

            But you do - ultimately - SUCK. And here’s why:

1. You, my dear, are SELFISH.

            It’s always about what YOU want to say, how YOU want it to be said, and how YOU think it should or should not impact the lives of others. You rarely think about how what you do makes others feel. When I call you out, you get defensive and tell me to mind my own business. Not only is this how YOU act, but you encourage others to act this way. You can be so inconsiderate, and you don’t even understand this about yourself.

2. Sweetheart, sometimes what you say is TMI.
            “TMI”: TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION. I don’t need to see some of the things you show me or read some of the things you put in front of me. Sometimes they’re vulgar, ignorant, wasteful, or just plain stupid. Sometimes it’s mean. Sometimes, my love, it’s just too much splattering your life as an open book, without regard to others’ sensitivities. It’s just too much.

3. Darlin, you suck so much time away from my family.
            We can’t just have a quick chat, you and me. Anytime you want to tell me what happened with you, it turns into a ten minute conversation that I can’t seem to quit. You’re incredibly interesting, but nothing you say seems to have any lasting value to me. My kids don’t benefit from our time together, and I’m just tired of envisioning you as part of how they see my life. It’s a terrifying notion that they would think you’re an extra appendage of mine. Trust me, our relationship is a drain to my relationship with my kids… and I love them too much to continue it.

4.  Babe, day-to-day interaction with you causes me intense anxiety.
            For all the reasons I’ve listed previously, any time we interact I have a feeling of dread. You aren’t fun anymore, my sweet, and I’m sorry, but when you stopped being fun the good things about you weren’t enough to keep me wanting this relationship. Sorry.

5. I need to reconnect with people.

            I feel isolated when I rely on you. There isn’t enough touch; there isn’t enough laughter. There isn’t enough of truly knowing anybody. I need real people – real faces. And though you show me enough to fill a book, it just isn’t enough anymore. I need a *real* book of faces – one that I can really know. If that makes my world smaller, I’m ok with that. It will be more real this way.

Goodbye forever.

You may think that I’m writing this about my actual husband. Ha! Joke’s on you – NO. Stephen is the BEST husband anyone could ever have, and I love him because he makes life better and bearable and worth something.

The husband I’m talking about here is – you guessed it – the Facebook. I am married to the stupid thing. We are bedmates. We share a life. We are one flesh. I am my facebook and my facebook is me. 

GROSS. 

So I'm divorcing it. Me and Zuckerberg are through because REASONS:

1. I don’t want to be SELFISH anymore.

I am choosing to step away from the arguments, propaganda, and hurtful things people talk about and share on Facebook. I am just as guilty as the next person of this. I am so guilty, in fact, that I had to write the words “LOVE ONE ANOTHER” across the top of my computer screen to remember to filter my words with love.
            …it didn’t work. I can’t be trusted.

            I’m just too drawn to debate. Facebook is an incredible tool, but it doesn’t work to even debate in a private message. (Trust me, I tried.) The (internet) written word leaves no room for inflection or emphasis, and I don’t like being misunderstood. I just can’t deal with it anymore.

2. I give TMI: TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION.
            If anyone has ever seen the documentary Terms and Conditions May Apply, you’ll understand a deeper meaning of too much information. And, while I can’t get back the data I’ve already uploaded to cyberspace, I can cease giving new information. You’ll notice that I haven’t posted any pictures on Facebook since 2014.

I intend to keep it that way. I keep imagining when my kids are old enough to have a facebook – are they going to have to look at their entire lives on my facebook, or can we sit an reminisce over a scrapbook or photo album and talk about all the pictures? I don’t want it to matter how many likes a post or photo has. I don’t want it to matter if I show a picture of baby buns. I want my kids to have real nostalgia – something you don’t get on a computer screen.

3. I have an extra appendage – my cell phone.
            My facebook time (on my phone) sucks time away from my kids. I go to check one notification and get sucked into a “Answers.com – Celebs!” article about “which celebrities [I] won’t believe have love-children”.
            I wish I was kidding… or at least exaggerating.

            I think Elizabeth might think that my phone is an actual part of my hand – or that Harlow might think Facebook is the only reason to make a photograph. That’s tragic to me. I don’t want my baby to think the apple logo means she has to smile or do something cute. I don’t want Harlow to think that the only reason I take photos of her is so I can show my Facebook friends. Neither of those things are real life. And real life is so much more important than anything else.
            I won’t even get started about the problems Facebook has caused with my husband. Or our families. Long story short (very, very short): Facebook simply is not worth it anymore.

4. Anxiety? YES.           

            No, it’s not a stretch. I have this problem: I care too much about words. I’ve already said that I’m much too drawn to debate. Facebook is a vapid debate MAGNET. Not only that, there is much too much temptation for me to be caring about other peoples’ business or to take up their offenses.
            Yep, I’m admitting my own guilt in this. And now you all know. I’ve judged you at least once, I’ve heard things about you more times than that, and I’ve either friended or unfriended at least that many people because of something I’ve heard or something I’ve assumed.
            I’m sorry if that hurt you. I’m sorry if it was my intention to hurt you. I’m sorry if it wasn’t and you just felt that way. I’m not perfect. I’m so far from perfect you don’t even know.

5. I need to reconnect with people.
            I am not quitting life. I’m not quitting relationships. I will give my phone number to anyone who asks for it. I will give my email to anyone who wants to be pen pals. You can even have my address. (In fact, I want YOUR personal info so I can send invitations to you for parties and game nights!)
            I need real faces that smile and understand.

            I need real hearts and real prayers and real hands laid on me for blessings.
            I need real people to share life with.
            I need real listeners.
            I need to really learn to listen.
            I need to really learn to share my family.

            I need to learn to intentionally share my kids with everyone who wants them.
            I need to learn who really wants to be a part of our story.

So, dear ones… you are officially served your notice.

You have – ALL OF YOU – been deleted.

Thank you for the good times. I love you so much.

You can still find me on instagram [username @kaelaaah], and I’ll stay here at the blog. I’ll post updates pretty frequently, so those of us who don’t get to talk a lot can still connect (albeit a little more deeply).

I may be done with status updates and Facebook albums, but I’ll call you, text you, and show you my family photo albums anytime.